Who Are You When No One’s Watching
No, not a question, but a statement that defined my 2020 more than anything else.
As 2020 fades out of our lives, its memory will remain with us for a long time. No matter how many times we break up with the year; no matter the choice words we hurl at it, the significance and impact of the year cannot be denied.
As I engage in my newly instated ritual of yearly reflections and intention setting for the coming year, I recognized the primary emotion I felt towards 2020 was that of gratitude. Not for COVID, mind you, but the overarching nature of 2020. A year of unexpected solitude and rest, a year that upended all my plans to work my butt off, a year that forced me to sit with my own quiet and confront my deeper layers. I considered myself proficient in self-work because I engaged in it regularly but regularity doesn’t indicate depth. Like most plans, the quarantine life accelerated parts of my plan I wasn’t even focused on.
I always thought the pace of my inner journey would always be considerably slower than that of my outer journey. After all, the latter is so much more dynamic, with so many more variables. WRONG.
Turns out, it was a classic case of ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’.
With all the extra time that I gave to journaling, writing, painting, i.e. different avenues of creative self-expression as well as learning from the lessons of those who came before me, I discovered the immensely gratifying and eye-opening power of my inner voice.
These were my methods, but most of us fell back on activities that were comforting, that helped us preserve our sanity. I hypothesize that doing so, when no one was around to watch the show, reaffirmed just how integral these activities and methods were in our life. Cooking, working out, reading, gardening are not things that we would forgo the ‘pressing’ things for. I mean, work (i.e. effort that you get paid for) can’t be put on hold to make an elaborate hummus now can it?
Turns out it can. Especially when that process of making hummus is restoring your energy, helping clear your mind out, and allowing you to spend some time with yourself, which in turn lifts the curtain to reveal a little more of the madness that you are.
Now, normalcy creeps back into our lives. We are once again confronted with the regular barrage of external world problems that distract us and drown out our inner voice, faintly heard only by those who choose to listen. But I feel renewed and equipped, for my relationship with my unique inner voice grounds me firmly. Even though habits take time to shed, I’m comforted and assured by my vociferous inner voice that guides me and placates doubt and fear, my oldest enemies.
With my updated armoury, courtesy of the 2020 level-up, uncertainty, fear and self-doubt are demons I know I’ll slay. I wonder which new demons I’ll discover in 2021…
As I end this musing, I leave you with this important and profound reminder that I often repeat to myself like a prayer: All the answers you seek, lie within you.
